I noticed you devoted some more time on your show to Students for a democratic Society; nice work comrade. I must say, you’ve succeeded beyond anyone’s wildest expectations, but it’s time to come clean about our relationship. We were lucky that no one bothered to ask why Glenn Beck was the only one who knew the true extent of the SdS conspiracy, but we knew. The missing branch on the diagram was always you. From your pulpit at Fox News, you made The Coming Insurrection a best-seller and raised SdS’s national profile while inciting infighting within the institutional right. As an agent of the radical left, you have reduced the Republican Party to a state of civil war in which the sides are never clear and everyone is a profiteer. Unfortunately, our shared enemy capital has found refuge in the Democratic Party. The previously hapless Dems have protected the Bush legacy by escalating wars in Iraq and Afghanistan in addition to protecting their friends and donors in the finance industry. The same interests that caused the economic crisis get first-class treatment in the “recovery” which unfortunately doesn’t come with jobs. Even when the Republicans lose, capital wins. This is why I’m outing you now, Glenn: At this point, you’re just helping the damn liberals.
Thanks to your courageous efforts, the money from our allies within the institutional left conspiracy should be pouring in any day now. Until now, we in SdS have had to make do with what little financial resources we could scrape together. No longer will we spend hours rolling humus wraps for conventions, no more unanswered fundraising appeals and no more borrowing and stealing equipment and supplies from wherever we can. When we’re all rolling in Soros-dollars, no more of my activist friends will get food stamps or struggle to make rent. Only vegan-substitute lobster with our quinoa from now on. With all the time we won’t have to spend working at jobs that make the world a little worse so that we can try and make it better in our off-time, revolution will surely be at hand.
Glenn, it’s time to reveal what you know to your devoted fans and acolytes: liberalism is dead. When push came to shove, the cosmetic gap between government and corporate interests dissolved. There can be no more talk of the poor capitalist oppressed by the government bureaucrat, they’re both on the same side. The struggle isn’t between the red team and the blue team or between government and bankers; these are only distractions, theater performed by the elite. From time to time on your show, you’ll reference the true conflict between the privileged powerful and the dispossessed common with a wink, before bravely returning to the task of sabotaging the Republicans from the inside. At last, you’re free from that heavy buffoon mask. You will never have to choke back one more tear of conflicted shame while you incite racial animosity in an effort to maintain your cover. It’s time to tell the people the truth and begin to destroy and build. See you at the barricades.